Today, at a meeting of United Methodist ministers, I witnessed a recent video featuring one of our “disaffiliated” former UMC colleagues telling his worshiping congregation that he was the only one from our ministry group to keep the faith and not sell himself to Satan.

As distressing as this was to us, I wondered how offended Satan must be at being associated with us. I didn’t have to wonder very long, as Lucifer was kind enough to furnish me with a copy of his response to that pastor.

20 Julius CE 2023

Esteemed Pastor:

It has come to my attention that you recently preached that several of your former ministerial colleagues have been sold to and work for me.  While I find your jealousy and betrayal of these individuals amusing, this alleged association is embarrassing to me and harms my reputation and brand.  

My organization relies on an unwavering chain of command to exercise authority over entire principalities and kingdoms.  The maintenance of supremacy and the controlled manipulation of reactionary bigots requires consistency of messaging, objectives, and practice at every level.  

The pathetic ministers you referenced are unworthy of being called my servants.  Their sincerity, solidarity, rejection of privilege, and service to others before themselves are antithetical to the mission of my organization.  Their altruism offends even the most carnal processes within the natural order.  By extending hospitality even to persons rejected by their own conflicted religion, they demonstrate weakness that categorically disqualifies them from ever holding position or office within my legions.  

This being said, you should not fear me, for I have no intent to bring suit against you.  To the contrary; your conduct has piqued my interest.  Your ambition, independence from petty loyalties, and talent for misinformation suggest that we are of a kindred spirit.  With some mentoring and very little refinement, you could become quite useful to me.

Focus, my child.   Be not distracted by virtue or the virtuous.  Feed the swine with slop, not with pearls.  You will certainly hear from me again. 

Attentively yours,

L. Apollyon 

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